Nursing Etiquette
Have you ever been in those awkward situations where you just didn’t know what to say to a patient? Have you ever blurted out something completely inappropriate? For some strange reason it happens to me a lot. Recognizing this shortcoming in myself, I have taken it upon myself to prepare this guide for nursing etiquette so it won’t happen to you. Please study carefully. You will be tested soon – by a patient.
| Situation | Say This | Not That |
| Patient tells you that he and his wife are going on an Alaskan cruise next summer | It’s always nice to get away | I hope you didn’t pay for the tickets in advance |
| A patient tells you that the other nurse didn’t hurt her so much during dressing changes. | Nurse Susie is a very good nurse | Yes, Susie is very good at dressing changes when she isn’t smoking crack and sleeping your husband. |
| You inadvertently drop your only IV catheter on the floor. | Would you mind if I come back later today? I need to replace some supplies. | Lemme just rinse this off so I don’t have to make an extra trip. |
| Your remove your patient’s shoes to examine a wound and find maggots. | I’m going to step out for just a minute. | Oh, Sh*t. I’m gonna puke. |
| Your patient has called the office three times since you left ten minutes ago to complain about his pain. | I’ve called the MD to see about increasing your pain meds. She’s very good about returning phone calls. | If you were hurting as much as you said you were, you probably wouldn’t be able to scarf down an entire pizza and keep up with ‘Days of our Lives‘. |
| Your terminal patient asks about her condition. | Things are pretty much as expected right now. Are you comfortable? | Look at the bright side, it really doesn’t matter that your retirement plan is tanking. |
| Your paranoid patient has called the state office three times to complain about you watching her house in the middle of the night. | Any time you have a concern, you can call our administrator or the state office. It is your right to do so. | I am so sorry for being late. I was up all night across the street watching you and didn’t get a chance to rest before going to work this morning. |
| Your patient asks you out claiming he has a lot to offer. | It is strictly against policy for nurses to date patients. | Since you’re obviously not long for this world, can I look at your financials before answering that question? |
| Will this new medicine affect my sexual performance? | A small percentage of men experience difficulty achieving an erection when taking this medication. If that happens, let me know and we’ll get with the MD about an alternative. | Based upon the most recent report from your cardiologist, there is no such thing as safe sex for you. |
| A patient tells you that she is out of her medications but feels just fine without them. | Many conditions like hypertension do not have any symptoms until you have a stroke or a heart attack so it is important to take your meds every day even when you feel good. | Glad to hear you’re feeling fine. It won’t last long but I have too many patients anyway. |
| Your patient is reminiscing about his wife who passed away a year before. | It is hard to lose a spouse. Would you like me to set you up with a bereavement support group? | There’s plenty of fish in the sea who do not nag as much as your wife did. |
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