Letter to Santa 2011

Dear Santa:

First of all, please let me apologize for the letter I sent to you earlier this month. In retrospect, the two word message I sent was a bit impulsive and it certainly isn’t fit for publication on a site that doesn’t require readers to verify that they are of legal age in their state. If you recall (and I seriously doubt that you do), ever since the kitten mix up, you have yet to get my wish list straight. I know that you drink a lot and if they could grow tropical plants on the North Pole I might suspect your short term memory loss was partly due to cannabis. This year I am going to clarify my wishes in writing so you will have a reference to keep with you next year. Please contact me directly and immediately should you lose your copy.

If you recall, last year I asked you to provide home care nurses with relief from the stressors of too much paperwork. In all fairness, you did that. I just didn’t expect so many nurses to have no paperwork whatsoever as a result of agencies closing subsequent to ZPIC overpayments. It never pays, Santa, to take me literally. You might have have learned that from the two word message I sent earlier this month.

What I really wanted was iPads or laptops for all field staff complete with voice recognition, mileage tracking, GPS capability and wireless connectability. I want Social Security to have everyone sign blanket consents and privacy notices when they apply for social security. That would definitely cut back on paperwork. Is that too much? I think not.

I also asked for Medicare to kind to the home health industry. I gather you are responsible for the vast improvement in manners in all correspondence from Medicare and their contractors. It is so much more pleasant to read about a multimillion dollar overpayment (AKA death sentence) when the notice is written by a well mannered author.

Here’s a clue, Santa. I do not care if Medicare says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in letters and I could give a flying flip about telephone etiquette at AdvanceMed (although I must admit, April is delightful even when she denies my requests).

I know that it is considered vulgar in certain social circles to discuss money but I choose to violate my social contract with fellow southerners and ask outright for cash. That’s right, Santa. I want cold, hard cash with which to afford the resources required to care for patients. I think I speak for all nurses when I say we have no objection to accepting money from strange men and you definitely fit that criteria. If you have some time after the holidays please feel free to call me and we’ll run by the Gap and buy you some more contemporary clothing. That red suit you wear is worse than anything John Travolta wore in the 70’s.

Now, I don’t want to be ugly but has it ever occurred to you that you may need us one day? You certainly don’t act like it. Ever since I have known you, you’ve carried extra weight around your midsection putting you at risk for heart disease, joint pain and a lot of other conditions that respond nicely to narcotic pain relief. We can help you get the medications you need. Judging by your spontaneous outbursts regarding ‘Ho’s’, both you and Mrs. Claus are at risk for conditions for which you may prefer discreet treatment in your own home. Do you have any idea what a dent in your lifestyle uncontrolled diabetes or heart failure will make in your lifestyle? Please click here for more information.

Let me recap with two brief sentences. Read carefully and commit to memory if you can.

1. It never pays to get on the bad side of nurses.

2. If you cannot provide what is on my tiny little list, then please let LSU win the Bowl game and the Saints win the Super Bowl.

Sincerely,